"If I don't do it, who will?"

I've struggled to write this post all day. This summer has been a rollercoaster ride, to say the least. My life has been a little bit of a mess in the last few months and I think it all started (and is coming to a close) with an end.

At the beginning of the summer, my best friend from elementary school lost her brother to cancer -- a situation all too familiar in my world. I watched along as he lived his final weeks, as we celebrated his life, as his family began to cope without him. Boy, did that bring up some memories I've spent the last 6.5 years repressing. *Note: I suggest dealing with your emotions as soon as possible because I've learned they come back to bite you in the ass if you don't.* Watching my best friend suffer as I had many years before was shitty. My heart aches for her and her family every day, but I couldn't let myself dwell on it too much. That was not the healthiest option.

Throughout the summer, I dealt with some crazy drama in my friend group, a weird "relationship" and breakup, a full load of classes, and a newfound desire to go out. There were definite ups and embarrassing lows along the way, but I found an excitingly new side of myself. I was crazy busy but I loved (almost) every second of it... Until two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, a man I consider to be my second dad was involved in a freak accident. The news of the accident was devastating, but it only got worse. One week after his accident, he passed away. Nothing seemed real until I went to his funeral this morning. I kept thinking it was a nightmare, some sick joke, anything that made it go away. The tragic loss of my teacher, friend, and mentor has been incredibly tough... But today I spent a lot of time reflecting on many of the memories I shared with Keith over the years. I figured I would share some of those memories here as a way to celebrate his life and so I never am able to forget the impact he made on my life (as if I ever could).

The first memories I have of Keith involve the St. Matthew's gymnasium and choir room. I was blessed to share in a couple of Keith's talents -- the first being musicals. I am forever grateful that my mom decided to choreograph the productions Keith directed so I could get to know him even better. Every time I walked into the church basement, Keith greeted me with a hug or high five and a "how's it going, kiddo?" as he ran off to go deal with whatever silly thing the cast was doing. My mom almost always brought my brother and I along to rehearsals, so we'd sit in the middle of the gym floor and watch everybody else do their thing. Kyle would bring his Star Wars guys and when they were all set up, Keith would come over to play while Mom taught the cast their newest moves. Each year the productions were better than before and I was always in awe of the shows. These experience led to my love of musicals. I've been listening to show tunes as I write this because I know Keith would love it.

I only really knew Keith in the theatre world until I was 12. I then became his student at Coon Rapids Middle School. His classroom was a constant party. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot about language arts in his class, but I enjoyed every single second being in his presence. My best friends were in the class with me and we were crazy. From passing notes through a folding wall to a neighboring class, and googling Fabio's age with our student teacher, to giving each new character in Shakespeare their own voice during group reading, we were full of shenanigans. I knew Keith would give me shit and tell my mom when I was goofing off, but I don't remember ever really getting in trouble. My friends were always getting in trouble for talking, but Keith never singled me out in the group. They still hold a grudge about that, sorry guys! Every day I'd begin 7th grade Advanced ILA by playing with the toys on his desk. My favorites were the "Whoomp there it is" button and the Alvin and the Chipmunks character that would say hell if you pressed the button fast enough. Keith let us have our fun and almost always included himself in the action. He made us get serious when we needed to, but he made every class memorable.

The summer before 8th grade, Keith moved classrooms. Allie and I came into school one day to help him move everything from the pods to the portables. We were tasked with setting up bookshelves and decorating bulletin boards, in exchange for pizza. After a few hours of hard work, a finger stapling incident, and a beautifully designed checkerboard bulletin, we were ready for lunch. Keith asked if we wanted a ride and of course we said yes; we had ridden our bikes to school, why would we want to do that to get pizza too?! Well, Keith had somehow forgotten that he owed us lunch, and so he drove us the 30 feet to our bikes in the rack. Allie and I were confused but laughed our asses off for the rest of the day. Of course, Keith remembered he had promised us pizza a few weeks later and apologized, but that memory is forever ingrained in our heads.

Keith was a fantastic teacher throughout my two years in his class, but I think I learned more from him after I went to high school. I made it a point to visit him at the middle school at least once or twice during the year. Many of his students asked if I was his kid, which still makes me laugh, but that goes to show how strong of a bond Keith and I had. We went to Caribou together a few times just to catch up and bullshit about how our lives were going. I loved hearing him talk about how horrible his classes of students were after I left, how much he disliked our principal who had just moved from the middle to the high school, how he genuinely got interested in everything I was doing in school. Keith never failed to give me the confidence boost I needed, all while keeping me in check and on the right path. He is the main reason why I've decided to go into teaching and I'm devastated that I won't get to experience being his colleague one day.

Even throughout my college adventures, Keith and I kept in close touch. He would comment on all of my Facebook posts and send me messages to give me updates on his life and ask if I had met his nephew on campus yet. He always made sure to give me his two cents but then praise me for all of the good things I had posted about. One of my profile pictures has a comment from him that I still find myself going back to -- "That is gone gorgeous kiddo" -- a silly example of how autocorrect was not his best friend, but his intentions were genuine. I had promised we would go to a SCSU baseball game together when his nephew played, but that plan fell through a bit. I always knew that I could count on Mr. Roberts to be there and to give me advice whenever I needed it. He even helped me edit some of my college papers on his own time because he truly cared about my success.

To say I admire Keith is an understatement. He was the best teacher, friend, mentor, director, husband, and dad I've had the pleasure of meeting. His loss is something I will grieve for the rest of my life, but I consider myself forever lucky to have met Keith and his family. As I enter my teaching career in the next few years, I hope I can become even a fraction of the influential teacher he was. Keith Roberts was the type of person to do anything and everything he could for somebody else with the "If I don't do it, who will?" mentality. I will forever hold his memory and this mantra in my heart. I can only dream of being as well-respected and loved as Keith is when my time comes.

Thank you for your everlasting impact. Rest easy.

Letting Go & Learning to Love

Growing up, I always had a plan for my life. I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I knew I wanted to be a mom (6 kids? 10? Okay, maybe just 3 or 4...). I knew I wanted to be a wife. I knew I wanted to move out of cold Minnesota.

Sure, that's normal. Everybody knows, to some extent, what they want out of their life. I, however, had also decided on a timeline for these plans. Teaching by 23. First kid at 25. Hopefully married before kids, but that was negotiable-ish.

The idea of having plans and goals for your life is good. Personally, that sense of direction has kept me motivated in my darkest times. When I'm struggling, I remind myself that I can't defer from my plan, I don't do well with Plan B.

Recently, after turning 20, I had a crisis revelation. (You're thinking 'wow 20 y/o crisis? the fuck?', right?) But I had a major identity crisis. This year, I've struggled with loving myself for who I've grown to become. There were times I hated myself. There were times I was nothing but numb. It has been a struggle for a while but turning 20 really got to me. I felt an intense pressure to be grown up. I always planned to have kids at 25, that's 5 years away, that's so soon, I better get my shit together. (God knows I couldn't bring a baby into a world where mom still parties and can't be tied down for shit, something would need to change.)

Except I'm not ready for kids. I don't even have a guy in my life right now, for one. I have no steady job. I'm in school full time. There's no way. A lot can change in 5 years, but now I don't think I'll be having kids at 25. Boy, was I disappointed in myself for coming to that conclusion! This had always been my plan, I can't defer from the plan, what am I doing, I'm failing at life.

*Insert major life change here* It was then (and after an incredibly insightful life chat with my stepmom) that I realized my "plan" was severely impacting my overall happiness and satisfaction. I was living my life so backwards. I was planning my future happiness instead of living in the moment, living happily now. With the new year approaching, I made my new year's resolutions like everyone else.

So, to get to the point of this whole post... 2016 is the "Year of Kiana." Sounds a little egocentric? It is. That's the point. This year I'm focusing on me, myself, and I. I had a rough start to my second year at school; newly single Kiana kind of went a little wild. Been there, done that. So I'm starting over. I'm learning to love myself. Yes, I've made some mistakes, that's life, but I'm learning to be okay with those mistakes. Things happen, you get over it, you move on. Moving on is something I've never really been good at, but I have made it my mission to "let it go" more often.

I've decided to take a hiatus from dating and men in general. Weird, I know... But I've always been the girl whose life is content when making her man her top priority. I've always put their happiness before mine. I've been so dependent on past relationships that I've lost my sense of independence and individuality. Instead of desperately searching for somebody else who can make me happy, I've decided to take some time to learn to make myself happy.

In 2016, I'll try new things (boxing is AMAZING) and take myself on dates. I'm keeping my focus on school my number one, but I'll take more nights off to enjoy college and make lifelong memories. I will not be such an anal bitch about my living preferences. I'll wear less makeup and care less about what everybody thinks of me. I will smile more and RBF less. I'll try to workout more, but I'll be happier with my body because it's the only one I've got. I'll blog more about my journey. I'll open myself up to changes, to learning experiences, to self-love, and to new friends.

By December 31st, 2016 I will be the best working version of myself possible. I've got some pretty big aspirations and goals, but I've decided this change has become a necessity. It's a little delayed, but here starts the Year of Kiana.