Letting Go & Learning to Love

Growing up, I always had a plan for my life. I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I knew I wanted to be a mom (6 kids? 10? Okay, maybe just 3 or 4...). I knew I wanted to be a wife. I knew I wanted to move out of cold Minnesota.

Sure, that's normal. Everybody knows, to some extent, what they want out of their life. I, however, had also decided on a timeline for these plans. Teaching by 23. First kid at 25. Hopefully married before kids, but that was negotiable-ish.

The idea of having plans and goals for your life is good. Personally, that sense of direction has kept me motivated in my darkest times. When I'm struggling, I remind myself that I can't defer from my plan, I don't do well with Plan B.

Recently, after turning 20, I had a crisis revelation. (You're thinking 'wow 20 y/o crisis? the fuck?', right?) But I had a major identity crisis. This year, I've struggled with loving myself for who I've grown to become. There were times I hated myself. There were times I was nothing but numb. It has been a struggle for a while but turning 20 really got to me. I felt an intense pressure to be grown up. I always planned to have kids at 25, that's 5 years away, that's so soon, I better get my shit together. (God knows I couldn't bring a baby into a world where mom still parties and can't be tied down for shit, something would need to change.)

Except I'm not ready for kids. I don't even have a guy in my life right now, for one. I have no steady job. I'm in school full time. There's no way. A lot can change in 5 years, but now I don't think I'll be having kids at 25. Boy, was I disappointed in myself for coming to that conclusion! This had always been my plan, I can't defer from the plan, what am I doing, I'm failing at life.

*Insert major life change here* It was then (and after an incredibly insightful life chat with my stepmom) that I realized my "plan" was severely impacting my overall happiness and satisfaction. I was living my life so backwards. I was planning my future happiness instead of living in the moment, living happily now. With the new year approaching, I made my new year's resolutions like everyone else.

So, to get to the point of this whole post... 2016 is the "Year of Kiana." Sounds a little egocentric? It is. That's the point. This year I'm focusing on me, myself, and I. I had a rough start to my second year at school; newly single Kiana kind of went a little wild. Been there, done that. So I'm starting over. I'm learning to love myself. Yes, I've made some mistakes, that's life, but I'm learning to be okay with those mistakes. Things happen, you get over it, you move on. Moving on is something I've never really been good at, but I have made it my mission to "let it go" more often.

I've decided to take a hiatus from dating and men in general. Weird, I know... But I've always been the girl whose life is content when making her man her top priority. I've always put their happiness before mine. I've been so dependent on past relationships that I've lost my sense of independence and individuality. Instead of desperately searching for somebody else who can make me happy, I've decided to take some time to learn to make myself happy.

In 2016, I'll try new things (boxing is AMAZING) and take myself on dates. I'm keeping my focus on school my number one, but I'll take more nights off to enjoy college and make lifelong memories. I will not be such an anal bitch about my living preferences. I'll wear less makeup and care less about what everybody thinks of me. I will smile more and RBF less. I'll try to workout more, but I'll be happier with my body because it's the only one I've got. I'll blog more about my journey. I'll open myself up to changes, to learning experiences, to self-love, and to new friends.

By December 31st, 2016 I will be the best working version of myself possible. I've got some pretty big aspirations and goals, but I've decided this change has become a necessity. It's a little delayed, but here starts the Year of Kiana.