Sunday Drives

Something kind of cool happened today.

I started out my day in a kind of shitty mood. Well, okay, in a really shitty mood. I continued my current trend of tears in the morning, tears in the shower, tears all over, all of the time. This time I actually had a legitimate reason (shoutout to you, boo boo) but that’s not really the important part.

For the first time in months, I felt an actual emotion. I felt something other than numb. I was angry. It’s not necessarily an improvement, but I’ll take it. I felt anger and it was actually kind of awesome. I felt like I was actually getting somewhere in my adventure to find myself again. What truly shocked me was how quickly that anger went away… and how quickly I found something else in its place.

Maybe it’s a maturity thing and it has nothing to do with the person or the current state of our relationship, but I found myself typing incredibly bitchy things and then deleting them. I got really, really nasty in my drafts, but when it came time to actually send something I couldn’t bring myself to explode. I realized how much I value this person, how hard it would be to say such horrible things and try to rebuild a friendship later on, and how shitty I would’ve felt tonight after I calmed down.

Not only did I completely save myself from a shit ton of regret, I felt a sense of closure. I got mad and I got over it. I got confused and I got over it. I got a little bit nostalgic but I GOT OVER IT. It was then that I decided to get out of the house and just drive. I’ve always dreamed of getting in my car and driving until I run out of gas or break down or reach some cool destination. Now, if you know anything about me you know I don’t really like to drive. I hate road construction, semi-trucks, rain and snow, traffic, and getting lost. I dislike driving in any condition that’s not perfect.

Well I challenged those fears today. I realized once I backed out of the garage that it was raining. Actually, it was pouring. I had half a thought to go back in the house and call it a day. I had a few episodes to watch on Netflix, I could go back to those, but I didn’t. So I drove. I left the neighborhood and I aimed for downtown. I wasn’t planning to get out of the car (it was raining and I put zero effort into my appearance) so I just wanted somewhere cool I could realistically get to and not waste allll of my tank of gas.

I know my way to Minneapolis from home. What I had forgotten to remember was the road construction that prevented me from getting there like I normally do. So I braved those ugly orange and white cones and I fought my way to the cities. I took semi-random exits that sounded like they’d get me to St. Paul (but actually brought me more towards home) because why not?  I took peace in not having anywhere to go, anywhere to be, or anyone to see. I blasted Hilary Duff’s new album (totally obsessed btw) and found myself exploring highways.

Even though I usually despise traffic and the stupid people who create it, I found myself wishing there were more people on the roads. There were plenty of people out there (enough to make me flinch on any other day) but I wanted more. Pushing the speed limit (by like 10 mph, lol much rebel so wow) in the pouring rain, passing people who don’t know me, who don’t know my story, who don’t know my pain was incredibly therapeutic. I had finally found some peace.

I made my way around the cities, around a few neighborhoods, and back onto a road that’d bring me to a familiar place. (I have zero sense of direction, so being able to find my way around and not get lost or stressed out about it was just the icing on the cake.) I spent two hours just driving around and it was truly the greatest part of my week.

This little adventure changed my attitude for the day. I started out with a huge wave of depression and all of my sad emotions, but I came home with a real smile on my face. A smile I had put there all on my own. I had found a way to make myself calm. I didn’t need to have somebody with me. I wasn’t doing it to make anybody else happy. I spent some quality time with myself and it was great.

Something really great happened today. Something really great will happen every Sunday from now on. J